I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
