Little spoons don't ask big questions
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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