mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Let's paint friendship bongs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
