Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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