i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
