Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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