you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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