i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
