farters have to be the big spoon...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
