Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
