did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
