Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
