I need to stop coming to work sober
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
