you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
