I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
