I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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