I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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