Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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