Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I will be naked everywhere
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
