The maid of honor just puked.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
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