is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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