No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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