Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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