its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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