I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
