I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
