My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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