That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She's not a foreskin expert like you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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