I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
