you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
