so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
