what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
