i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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