Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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