This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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