and you said cock pushups were impossible
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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