my phone needs a breathalizer
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
