Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
