Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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