he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
