its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
