I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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