were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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