I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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