saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
