so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
