The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
