I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
