Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
