pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
