Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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