she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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