Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
