she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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