We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
