Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
