i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
