checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize