I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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