it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
