Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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