I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
