foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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