actually, I'm a sock model
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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