Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
