So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my shit smells like andre
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
