I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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