Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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